A Prisoner in My Own Pad

16 October 2006. Almost 12 noon and still in my pad. Just like last week, I will wake up in the morning, I know I could make it to the office in time. But I took some more blinks, and soon I wake up. And yet I could not get myself out of bed. I lie there, staring at the ceiling. Wondering.

I still have so much and yet I feel so bleak. I am wondering on what to do. I have no desire nor motivation for office work, except the income and future income would be most welcome.

Oh no, not because of any lack in sex... had three bouts this weekend.

Somehow, I thought by going to work I would have broken the cycle but here I am, I still would rather keep to myself. I still feel dread, still feel afraid. I cannot but help feel something would happen, that I might die, in my mind, I should already account for as much as possible. Been waiting for this since last week... instead I received a txt, someone indeed have died. I was sort of sorry for them, relieve not me, and yet disappointed it was not the mistress. Yes, I have always imagined and wish she would die, that she would then be gone from our lives. I know she is affecting me dearly and that it is not right... but my emotions are my weakness and my strength.

I have made myself a prisoner in my own pad.